I'm back ...

So, I've not written anything on my blog for a long time.  Like well over a year.  I started this a while ago, just to have somewhere to jot down my ramblings and my musings ... and I liked it ... it was a good creative outlet for me.  I even got some good feedback ... then I met a "real" blogger, who had a "real" blog (and she had *followers* and she has an *audience* and sponsors ... people PAY her to blog!!) and I thought, "Well, how dare I even think that I, too, am a blogger".

Then someone else I know had a book published ... a real, actual book ... with a title and pages and words and a publisher and everything; you can go on Amazon and actually BUY her book. And I thought, "Well, how dare I think that I, too, am a writer".

Then another friend who has a blog was asked to write a recurring column in her local newspaper; the editor had seen her blog and liked what she had to say, and I thought, "Well, how dare I even think that I, too, have anything to say" ... and I just stopped.  I would write blog posts in my mind, but didn't actually publish them because -- well, because.

Anyway, it's been way over a year and I miss it.  I miss having somewhere to record my musings and my thoughts.  So, I'm writing again.

This morning, I was feeling overwhelmed.  You know that point where you think you just can't handle ONE MORE THING?  I'm there.  I'm at the point where I don't want to walk to the mailbox, or answer the phone or check my email because I can't take ONE MORE THING.

Both of our children have faced serious health issues these past few months; they both seem to be doing OK, praise God, but it's been worrisome (to say the least) waiting for test results and for medicines to work.

Hubby and I have made some financial decisions which, in the long term, eventually, will be a HUGE benefit and will have lasting positive outcomes, but in the short-term, these financial decisions have had a major and significant impact in our budgeting.

We have faced some lifestyle changes ... grown children moving back home, moving in, moving out; job changes, my going from part-time to full-time employment ...

I'm just ... overwhelmed.  I just don't think I can take one single more thing.  And what doesn't help is when people say, "Oh, it could be worse ..." and then they regale me with tales of their cousin / their neighbor / their sister's best friend and what they're dealing with.  Yeah, well just because someone ELSE may be going thru something worse doesn't mean what I'm going through isn't bad.  Now I just feel overwhelmed *and* guilty.  Thanks.  <eye roll>

I pray every morning.  Every morning, as I drink my coffee, I chat with God.  To be honest, more often than not, my prayer time is me telling God everything that's wrong in my life and then wrapping up with, "And thank you for the blessings you've given me ..." but deep down, I'm still thinking about the problems I've (not) laid at His feet.  I'm still carrying them, worrying about them, trying to 'fix' them.  This morning, tho, I really felt the urge to actually get on my knees before Him.  Literally on my knees.  Now, at my age, with my joint problems, at my weight, literally getting on my knees is a big deal.  Still --

So I did.  I turned off the TV, put my iPad and iPhone on silent, got down on my knees (ouch) and laid my head on the couch.  (I'm grateful He didn't ask me to fully prostrate myself ... that wouldn't have been pretty LOL).  And then I was silent.  I didn't complain; I didn't list my problems; I didn't ask Him to solve this or that; I didn't ask Him to take away a burden; I didn't tell Him what I needed Him to do ... I just was silent.

It want to say I was flooded with a spirit of peace and a sense of serenity, but I wasn't.  I want to say I heard the voice of God telling me words of comfort and love, but I didn't.  I want to say when it was over, I checked my phone and both of my children had texted me telling me that everything was fine, and that my husband texted me telling me that all our financial woes had been solved, but that didn't happen.

But my focus had changed.  Rather than spending 10 minutes listing every single burden and problem and grief and worry in my life, I spent 10 minutes just being still.  Being silent.  Being quiet.  Being calm.

That was nice.

And when it was all over, when the 10 minutes had passed and I got up from my knees (ouch), I still had no definite answers on my worries, and the problems I face are still there.

So, what was the point?  The point was, I felt like God was asking me to start blogging again; to start journalling my thoughts and my ideas.  My petty, insignificant musings.  I think this is an outlet that's good for me, for my soul, for my well-being -- and it has NOTHING to do with how successful other people are in their blogging / writing adventures, nor does it have ANYTHING to do with who reads it, or responds or anything else.  It's therapeutic for ME and therefore, it has worth and merit.

So, I'm back ...