My Life's Calling

 I missed my calling in life.  I should have sought the bright lights of Hollywood or Broadway, for I, apparently, am one helluva good actress.  I have managed to convince more than one person that I am a confident, self-assured, upbeat and optimistic woman.  Ha!  That is so far from the truth that I literally fought the urge to look over my shoulder and see who they were talking to, because it obviously wasn't me.  Recently, in two separate situations, I had people tell me they saw traits in me that absolutely, unequivocally, do NOT exist.  I have mentioned before my skepticism with Perpetually Perky Pollianna, those eternally optimistic upbeat souls who claim to greet each day with a smile and an urge to leap out of bed and sing joyfully at the blessing of a new sunrise.  I subscribe to several email newsletters, some Christian, some cooking related, some parenting, some non-descript. In the past few days, I've received emails with these quotes:

A person will be just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.  Abraham Lincoln

I decided to look for things to be grateful for. Cultivating a grateful heart has improved every single aspect of my life far more than I could have ever imagined.  Christy Jordan

“The most important thing is to enjoy your life—to be happy—it's all that matters.” Audrey Hepburn

It's not that I disagree with those sentiments, but I do resent the implication that happy is *just* a choice. 

Sometimes, life is hard, sometimes life disappoints. We've had a tough January (and it's only half over!).  We had several, large, unexpected financial situations come up.  We had a matter we thought was resolved suddenly NOT work out as we anticipated, throwing us into a huge turmoil.  We had a situation with a family member break down.  

But apparently, I'm still giving off a confident, self-assured, upbeat and optimistic vibe. Seriously?  My poor husband could tell you otherwise. 

I see myself as a plodder. I do NOT wake up with a song on my lips, gratitude in my heart and enthusiasm pouring from my soul.  I just don't.  I wake up slowly and reluctantly -- not filled with dread about the day, but certainly not filled with optimistic elation.

It just is an absolute amazement to me that people see me as confident and self-assured.  And upbeat makes me literally laugh out loud (in an ironic and self-depricating way, not in a bubbly, perky way).  

Like I said, am apparently am one helluva good actress.  But maybe I'm *not*, and it's those Perpetually Perky Polliannas who are faking it.  Maybe THEY need to spend a day in their bathrobe, laying on the couch, watching stupid TV.  Not for a lifetime, but for 24 hours. 

Sometimes that helps. 

No, it doesn't do anything to solve the problems bearing down on us, but it gives our brains a chance to think about something ELSE besides the money woes, the impending medical test, the family dysfunction.  

Well, that's the spin I'm putting on it, anyway, to justify my own Bathrobe Monday.  Today, I have to face the world.  And I will.  And if I come across as confident and self-assured, I'll know it's because I indulged in a Bathrobe Monday -- and I'll smile to myself, knowing that I am, indeed, one helluva good actress. 

I don't live in a world where giggly unicorns fart rainbows, nor would I want to -- and I doubt I will EVER greet the day with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. But I will find joy and happiness, and I know God has His hands all over my life.  I know He has a plan, and I know I need to wait and be patient to see it.  And apparently that knowledge manifests itself in my appearing to be confident, self-assured, upbeat and optimistic.  Wow.